The Hilarious Complete Guide To Avoiding Traffic In Lagos

Now, it’s no secret that the Lagos traffic situation has gotten worse. I’m not naming any names or pointing any fingers (*co…Ambode…ughs*); but it’s really bad. We’ve all been spending an inordinate amount of time in traffic.

But I am  here to make your lives easier, so I researched ways to allow you successfully avoid Lagos Traffic:

1. Leave Lagos.

This is the surest way to beat the traffic.

Go! Move to Ogun State or Ibadan or anywhere else and don’t look back. Sure, there will still be traffic on your way out of Lagos, but look on the bright side, It’s the last time.

2. Don’t go out

If you won’t leave Lagos, then the next best thing is to stay permanently in your house. Because the truth is, there really isn’t anything important out there. Well nothing that you won’t spend 7 hours getting to.

Stay. At. Home.

3. Drive only between 12am and 4am

So once it’s 11:30:

You know why this is important. This way you’re the only one on the road – well, you and everyone else reading this post. You will rule the highways in the middle of the night. But be aware, your reign comes to an end once the clock strikes 4. Because Lagos will wake up.

4. If you have to go somewhere, leave your house the day before

This is for those that usually have 8am appointments/meetings. The traffic is not of God and if you do not want to be late, leave at 8pm. That way, whatever Lagos throws away, you laugh in its face because the joke is on it. Your appointment is for tomorrow.

5.Walk Everywhere

But first, get shoes like this.

6. Sleep in the office

This is a win-win situation. You avoid the traffic and you also get in line for the ‘Best Employee Award’ – or that promotion. You know, since you ‘practically’ [your boss doesn’t know it’s literally] live in the office. Just wake up and slide into your seat.

7. Or in your car

Stop looking like that. Sleeping in your car is a thing. It’s better than sleeping in the office. This way you can drive your car to a safe spot [ short distances please], sleep and drive back to the office with other employees. Don’t forget to brush your teeth in the office bathroom.

8. Quit your job

Who needs a job?

Just kidding. Go to number 9.

9. Then Marry into wealth

This is the only way to validate your quitting your job. If you’re unemployed and not married into wealth, I don’t know. Is poverty better than traffic?

10. Or Get a Job next to your house

It doesn’t matter what. You’re not in traffic with all those white-collar mainland-to-island suckers. This is the life.

11. Become a witch

This is purely for the air travel benefits.

12. Fast and Pray for Governor Ambode

Fast. Pray. Light Candles. Say the Fatiha. Offer up Benediction. Dance. Do prayer of the faithful. Give sacrifices. Pray that he stops saving all our money. He should use it to fix our traffic situation.

If this doesn’t work very fast, we are in trouble. We can’t do this everyday. What is happening?! There was traffic before but it was not this bad.

13. Run against him in the next elections and win

This really only works if you win. That way, you can cause the traffic, not face it.

I’m writing this from traffic. Help me.