The 5 Foolproof Secrets to Financial Breakthrough (Naija Edition)

Self-help books abound, and the most popular are those that claim to offer breakthrough success and moneymaking secrets. After perusing some of these books, I found that while most offer helpful advice (barely), they fail to account for the unique Nigerian reality. In this spirit I have attempted here to offer 5 foolproof tips for explosive financial success on the Nigerian landscape.

Here goes:

1) Become an Elected Government Official

Get yourself elected into public office by hook or by crook. With first hand access to the National Cake, you will surely cut yourself a slice big enough to repay all your election costs. And with a few housing estates and bulletproof car shipments … you will have become a budding entrepreneur and savvy investor in no time.

Just don’t let your political enemies catch you chopping alone – abi no be turn by turn?



2) Win a Government Contract

As the mega-superstar Korede Bello says, “If you win the contract na God win”. Before God go win sha, you must find something for the big boys who will slide you that juicy government contract.

Just make sure you don’t do the job too well, so that they’ll call you back when they need that road repaired again. Don’t worry, it’s not unethical, it’s simply called “Sustaining Demand.”



3) Own a Potential Oil Field

This is pretty much like winning the lottery, one day you’re a seamstress, the next day you’re the richest black woman in the world. The only difference is that this is somewhat in your control. In order to acquire one if you don’t already, you must associate yourself with men and women of the mystical, almighty Cabal, so start working on your people skills (and your palm-greasing ones too).

4) Start and Own a Church BusinessEstablishment

Don’t be disheartened if you start in a small, dingy, zinc-roofed, no-widow building. With a steady in-flow of offerings and tithes, and a loyal and generous congregation, in due time you’ll hit it big and soon people will start falling for you … literally!



Whether it’s BMW cars, or private jets to do God’s work in, God’s goodness will surely shine on you. Just make sure you keep your congregation paying tithes sowing seeds. And by sowing seeds you know what I mean you venerable man of God (wink).

5) Become a Cement Trader

Since I was born, and now that I am ready to start ‘borning[sic]’, I have never seen a poor cement trader. Have you? Even the richest black man in the world owes his success to cement trading. What more proof do you need?

So there you have it. With these five tips, you can now go forth and become the prosperous woman or man that your pastor has prophesied. And soon you will be swimming in Naira Dollars!